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Monday, April 4, 2011

This used to be Life

You know that feeling when you're just walking down the street, and you see glimpses of lives that might have been yours...
Life has a funny way of changing us. It throws us straight into the arms of people we end up totally estranged from month later and takes us around the world only to bring us right back where we started.

A few days ago I came across recordings of a band I used to be a part of, and even though I've had these tracks for years, I hadn't listened to them in a long while.
They say objects sometimes hold in them the memories they belong to. If that's true then digital things must be no exception. I'm a pianist at heart. Take away the math, the code, the glasses and the hat, strip me apart until there's nothing left but two hands and a foot stomping ecstatically at the ivories, then give me an audience of one, and I'll be a happy man.

But these things don't last. The band fell apart and the audience never stayed long after the show. All you're left with are boxes. They're like memories, all packed up and ready to leave, except they have nowhere to go.. and so they stay.

You know that feeling when you're just walking down the street, and you see glimpses of lives that might have been yours, that could've been yours, that no longer are.. and it's like the old met the new: They size each other up, and it ends with a proud smile and a nostalgic grin.. in varying proportions though.. "Somehow everything comes with an expiration date", I guess it's true.

I remember coffee afternoons at Cinnzeo with L. Her name was Mudd, and I liked her for every way she thought she was flawed. Some people fade slowly out of our lives. With others it takes a more violent break, and you go from rage to remorse to not caring, until the loss hits you and you realize how important they used to be.

I live in a world where they don't exist anymore. But I have boxes with their names on them that I've tucked away in the darkness of my mind. They leave mud in my water that begs me to be stirred. They write themselves into every story I want to tell, until I lose sight of what I came to say in the first place. They drive me to the edge of sanity until I can think of no option but to run. But I'm not a runner, so I let go.

Life constantly makes you become someone you don't recognize at times where you need yourself the most. Somehow it makes you lose sight of what's important.. I've said, written and done hurtful things at times. I don't renounce the scars of my foolishness, I hold on to the shame they earned me, and hopefully they'll help me learn not to throw away who I am at the first sight of pain.

Tonight I'm taking a good look at my boxes, and I'm dusting them off. Perhaps if I treat them well they'll return the favor and let me go back to being me. And who knows, maybe if I open them one at a time, I'll make peace with what used to be life, accept that it will never be the same, and maybe, drift away and relive it every once in a while, every once and again.


Recommended media: "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" (Movie)
[Photo credit]
[Tweet credit: @Carlittoer]

comments

April 4, 2011 at 9:24 AM Janine Khawand

Very touching...
(Wow, that was a useless comment!)
No, really.
My biggest fear is losing the people around me now, and that the life i'm living now changes in any way.. Oookay, i'm gonna shut up now! If i think too long about this, i'm gonna end up moping around all day, in my bathrobe, eating ice cream... Not a pretty sight!

April 4, 2011 at 9:39 AM Sareen

What a touching post Fadi. Your writing is just getting better and better all the time. This post made me think back of my own "memory boxes" hehe Excellent!

April 4, 2011 at 10:23 AM Shireen

Love it!! One of your best posts :)

April 4, 2011 at 10:33 AM Louis Karim

very nice work dude. keep'em coming.

April 4, 2011 at 10:39 AM Maria Nachawi

it is really funny how someones writing can make us think twice and go back to look deep into our own lives. very nice post

April 4, 2011 at 11:30 AM Liliane

Life constantly makes you become someone you don't recognize at times where you need yourself the most. <--- akhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

April 4, 2011 at 1:28 PM Lara

Beautiful post Fadi!
"You know that feeling when you're just walking down the street, and you see glimpses of lives that might have been yours, that could've been yours, that no longer are.. and it's like the old met the new" i sometimes look back at the bits and pieces of my life and wonder if i really lived them or was it someone else, they seem so unreal...i feel so different...

I simply love it!! Keep up these awesome posts :)

April 4, 2011 at 3:32 PM Danielle

RT @Liliane Life constantly makes you become someone you don't recognize at times where you need yourself the most. <--- akhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Whatever you're doing, do more of it. It works.

April 6, 2011 at 8:50 AM LebaneseMariam

WOw! thank you for writing what I've been going through for the lat while.

An amazing post- thank you!

April 6, 2011 at 10:26 AM j

First, great picture, reminds me of home. That's where I left to be where I am now. In the beginning I decided to 'give up' my music to live abroad: leave my instruments behind, and more importantly the music network I had built up. But, after some time in Amsterdam I felt I could NOT leave it behind, it was such a big part of me and will continue to be. I brought some of my equipment but have had to hire a cello, which is beautiful. Fadi, don't look back with such sorrow. If music once made you happy, (or the girl Mudd), don't let these things fade. You're in control. Funnily enough, I was backing up files yesterday and one folder took me back 6 years. I realised, not all things should be allowed to re-surface....

April 6, 2011 at 4:26 PM Fadi

J, I know exactly what you went through. I came to Sweden and left behind my network of musicians. Since months after moving I bought myself a guitar, then six months later I shipped my synth from Beirut.. I simply had to have something to play on.
The fact that my instrumetns now takes half the space in my (tiny little student) room doesn't matter all that much. Problem is life gets in the way, and between my studies, my work etc, I haven't had the time to get back in touch with that part of me that seems to be dying. The keys and the strings are there, but most of the time they're just accumulating dust, and that's the part that breaks my heart. By the way, thanks for stopping by :)

May 13, 2011 at 9:33 PM J Babb

Beautifully written. It's always an interesting experience revisiting and reopening our own "memory boxes". Thanks for sharing, and keep up the great posts :)

May 14, 2011 at 12:30 AM Fadi

Glad you like it JBabb :) Thanks for stopping by, and hopefully see you soon in the comments section on future posts. Cheers !

October 6, 2011 at 2:54 PM Joselyn

O.O Yeah, I get it. Oh and I play the piano too :)

February 12, 2012 at 2:20 AM hiamira

that's such a touching post. SO true in every sense. I like to think though that whatever we have been through it's to serve us at some point later on or lighten up any baggage we have been carrying around.

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