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Saturday, December 12, 2009

The right of relationships to exist

I'm starting this article with a question: Under what circumstances would you decide not to start, or even end a relationship that looks promising ?
I'm starting this article with a question:

Under what circumstances would you decide not to start, or even end a relationship that looks promising ?

Let me clear this up. Let's say you meet someone and everything is going the right way. Then you come across a piece of information that just might change the entire picture: your relationship has a deadline. As it turns out, that very promising person you met is planning to move in the somewhat distant future to the far away lands of "long distance partners". What's worse: You both don't believe in long distance relationships.

Now that the setting has been taken care of, comes the question: do you start this relationship regardless, knowing the exact date it will end on (assuming of course nothing goes wrong before) ? If you had already started the relationship, would you end it right there and then ?

If you are inclined to answer either of the above questions positively, then here is, from what I gather, the rationale behind it, and do let me know if I'm forgetting anything:

"Letting the relationship go on is only going to lead to a stronger emotional connection between the couple, and so the inevitable breakup will only become harder. It is therefore much better to end the relationship or not start it at all, since that would minimize the arising heartache. Since the relationship is also obviously not going to progress into anything too serious, it is healthier for both parties to go their own way and look for other possible partners that would be more suited for them, or at least have the potential to be"

That should pretty much sum up the essence of it.
That also should sum up most of what I disagree with. You're not surprised, I know.

Here's how I see this:
Everything in life has a deadline on it. Your school life, your university life, that job that you like so much, your friendships, your marriage (be it by death or by adultery, it has a deadline), your holidays ... Granted, all of these cases are different, after all, when school ends you still might get to keep your friends.
I think the main issue is that when it comes to relationships, we like to be in control of the deadlines, or we like to let things slide slowly out of our control. We never seem to mind that we talk less and less to some people we used to be very close to, until one day we have no idea what they've become. After all, we made a somewhat conscious choice to let the controls of that friendship slip out of our hands. The same applies to romantic relationships. We would prefer the relationship to last forever, or that we are the ones performing the breakup, not the other way around. We like to set that kind of deadlines ourselves.
And so when we have to go into a relationship where we have absolutely no control over the deadline, things get a little more problematic, and all sorts of self-preservation instincts come into play. Don't get me wrong, I think self-preservation does a hell of a job sometimes. But I have to disagree with it on this one.

So why do I think one should go into a relationship, knowing beforehand it will end ?

Simply because one should have a sense of adventure. Things cannot be perfect, and you would be surprised what life would teach you when you embark on weird expeditions. A relationship is an opportunity to learn and grow, and if you're happy with your partner, even if he/she's leaving in a few months, grab that opportunity to enjoy your life, to share a bit of it with him/her, at least you'll get the opportunity to have a smooth breakup and some good memories to look back on. Just go into it knowing what to expect, enjoy the hell out of it while it lasts, and forget about the deadline.

I would guess my female readers would tend to disagree with me, telling me this is not how women think. However, I would love to hear from women who agree with what I said, and I know they're out there.


December 13, 2009 at 3:33 PM Myriam

I completly disagree :). I don't see the point of staying in a relationship even if it used to feel good if it will end for sure. I mean, why staying and get attached and love more and more someone who will leave and everything will end and then really break your heart.
Would it be nicer to break up, stay friends and find a relationship who will suit you more..

If my boyfriend asks me to consider it as just for fun or to consider this deadline as the end of every possibilities and everything, then no I would break up.
I'm not a "relationship for fun" person, I would prefer to stay with him even if I know he's leaving and enjoy my time with him not for "learning" and "growing up" as you said (because I don't care that much abt that), but because it feels good with him and I like him.
Of course there is this deadline,but I prefer to think that there is always a way and not to think about this deadline. I mean if the relationship continue after or if we meet again after and... then it's good, but if everything ends at this deadline and maybe we won't see each other anymore or just keep in touch from time to time then it's sad, but it's life..But I still prefer enjoying my time and think (even if it's stupid, and I'm the only one thinking that way and I can be hurt) that if it's good then there is always a chance.

December 13, 2009 at 3:46 PM Fadi

Here's what I love about your comment: You started out disagreeing with me, and somewhere in the process of explaining why you disagree with me, I think you found a reason why we actually agree.
So you wouldn't stay in such a relationship for the same reasons I would, but it seems to me like you're more inclined into staying in that relationship, as long as the deadline doesn't represent the end of all possibilities...

Am I right ?

December 13, 2009 at 3:58 PM Myriam

I disagree with you because it seems like you could stay in a relationship just to learn and enjoy your time even if everything will end for sure. Then why not breaking up and find someone else with who you can have a real relationship, love as much as you want, learn, grow up and so on and which won't end at a certain deadline.
However you are right, I would be more incline to stay in that relationship if I really like the guy, if it's not just for fun for him and if this deadline doesn't represent the end for everything for sure. Otherwise, I would break up.
The difficulty is to find out the way you really feel about your partner and what your partner really thinks, to take the decision..

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